My angel babies

Yes, it is true. There are two angel babies waiting in heaven for me. It's not something I speak of often, for various reasons that may or may not become obvious in this writing.

The first went to heaven at approximately 12 weeks gestation in March of 1991. I could not have been more thrilled to find out I was having my first child, due October 18, 1991. It would be the first grandchild for my parents and the first baby on both sides of the family in a long time. We were young and living in an apartment with not much money. But I'd been dreaming of the day I would have my own baby since I was a little girl. And I think all my family and friends knew that and therefore they were elated as well.

I immediately started planning (who me?) for my baby's arrival. My sister-in-law gave me her crib, my mom began buying little things and I started picking out names. Among some of our favorites at the time were Dakota, Raven and Stormie.

A few weeks before I was to have my first ultrasound, I started spotting. The doctor told me it was nothing to worry about but that I should stay off my feet as much as possible. I did but it only got worse. Finally, I went in to see him and an ultrasound--the one that was supposed to tell me if we were having a boy or a girl, confirmed a suspected nightmare: my baby had died--several weeks ago but my body was slow in letting go. Surgery was immediately scheduled for the next morning to take care of what nature couldn't.

Of course we were devastated and we had all the usual insensitive and cruel questions and comments to deal with--What did we do to cause it? Did I have to have an abortion? Well, it just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah, I guess so. God's plan is perfect but sometimes I do wish He'd clue us all in on it because just knowing it was "God's will" doesn't take away the pain. Neither does knowing, "you'll have more one day".

Sure, I did get blessed with Dylan 18 months later. And truth be told, had my first baby lived, I probably wouldn't have had him and I cannot for one minute imagine my life without him. But I do sometimes imagine what my life would be like if I had TWO teens now instead of just one! I wonder if it was a boy or a girl, who it would have looked like, what kind of personality did it have, etc.

My second angel baby went to heaven in June, 1995. After several months of infertility treatments and finding out about my hypothyroidism, we were thrilled to learn that we would soon be having a little brother or sister for 2 1/2 year-old Dylan. Due in January and feeling better than ever, we went to the beach. It was there that I would discover this baby wasn't "meant to be" either.

It's a mathmatical certainty that had that baby lived, I wouldn't have had Kayti. She was conceived that October and born the following June. So again, it's not something I dwell on. Just something I wonder about sometimes. I usually think of myself as the mom of three. But if indeed life begins at conception, then I am a mom of five.